So, let’s make sense of your dollars and cents…
Today one of the things we’ll be talking about is Relating With Money. If you had a Budget Committee Meeting then you have probably realized by now that you really need this lesson. The first few Budget Committee Meetings are usually not very cordial – feelings get hurt, people get bored, people get huffy and puffy. It happens. Which is why this is lesson #2 – to help us realize how to relate to each other with money so that we don’t have those issues come up.
The first thing to remember when dealing with money is that "Personal Finance is 80% behavior and only 20% head-knowledge." (Dave Ramsey). That’s right, 80% is what YOU and YOUR SPOUSE do with money, the other 20% is about the math behind the money. 80% of your financial situation rests solely on how you both have behaved with money in the past.
The second thing you need to remember when dealing with money is that Relationships and money mess with each other. Good marriages can go bad with money issues. Bad marriages get worse with money issues. Good marriages get stronger when there aren’t money issues. Bad marriages can get stronger when there aren’t money issues standing in the way. We all know that the #1 cause of divorce is money fights and money problems – why is that? Because money, or the lack of it, impacts how we feel about ourselves and how we feel about our relationships. Now it’s not money’s fault – remember how we talked about money being amoral last month? So it’s not money’s fault – it is the people who control it’s fault. Remember 80% is behavior.
The flow of money represents the value system that the family is operating under. Where and how you spend money tells me who you are. There was a cute little poem from David O. McKay that says,
You tell on yourself by the friends you seek,
By the very manner in which you speak,
By the way you employ your leisure time,
By the use you make of dollar and dime;
You tell what you are by the things you wear,
And even the way you wear your hair,
By the kind of things of which you laugh,
By the records you play on your phonograph;
You tell what you are by the way you walk,
By the things of which you like to talk,
By the manner in which you bury deceit,
By so simple a thing as how you eat,
By the books you choose from the well-filled shelf;
In these ways and more you tell on yourself.
By the use you make of dollar and dime. What are we saying to people when we are constantly buying newer, bigger, better things? What are we saying when we are not content with the things we have? It's possible that we're telling them that we're not content with what we have, or that we're more concerned with bigger better things than what is really important in life. Are we telling on ourselves? Are our actions saying what we want them to be saying? What do our spending habits say to our spouses? It might not be what we think.
By the very manner in which you speak,
By the way you employ your leisure time,
By the use you make of dollar and dime;
You tell what you are by the things you wear,
And even the way you wear your hair,
By the kind of things of which you laugh,
By the records you play on your phonograph;
You tell what you are by the way you walk,
By the things of which you like to talk,
By the manner in which you bury deceit,
By so simple a thing as how you eat,
By the books you choose from the well-filled shelf;
In these ways and more you tell on yourself.
By the use you make of dollar and dime. What are we saying to people when we are constantly buying newer, bigger, better things? What are we saying when we are not content with the things we have? It's possible that we're telling them that we're not content with what we have, or that we're more concerned with bigger better things than what is really important in life. Are we telling on ourselves? Are our actions saying what we want them to be saying? What do our spending habits say to our spouses? It might not be what we think.
There's one major thing to remember when it comes to relating with money, and that is that men and women are different. Wow...what a news flash. We all know that we are, but there are a couple differences that are noteworthy for tonight's purposes.
Men Love to share facts. Women love to express feelings. That is inherently evident with almost every single fight I’ve ever had with a man. He gives facts, and I want to talk about how I feel. It’s not bad to feel – in fact, it is a good thing (women’s intuition); however, we need to remember that our husbands do not process feelings unless there are facts behind them.
Men connect by doing things. Women connect by talking. This is evident if your husband would rather clean the dishes for you than talk to you about feelings. Men are do-ers. They don’t want to debate possibilities, they want to leave the cave, kill something, and bring it home.
Men tend to be independent. Women tend to be interdependent. When dealing with money, men want to do it themselves, be the big, tough guys to handle it. Women want to work together.
In Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, John Gray states that, "Men define themselves on their ability to achieve results. Women define themselves by the quality of their relationships." I think this is so very important to remember when dealing with money. Men want to see results. That’s what they want. They want facts, they want numbers, they want to see what the results are going to be and take the fastest route from point A to point B. If they feel that they cannot somehow be effective at achieving results, then they feel a sense of failure.
Women, we define ourselves by the quality of our relationships. If our husband is upset about the money and it’s affecting your relationship (which it will) then you will feel a sense of failure. You will begin feeling some issues with your self-worth.
We need to realize what is at play behind every situation and realize that this is just how we’re hardwired. It’s not fun, but we have to deal with it. We have to look beyond the surface and see what is really there.
Women, we define ourselves by the quality of our relationships. If our husband is upset about the money and it’s affecting your relationship (which it will) then you will feel a sense of failure. You will begin feeling some issues with your self-worth.
We need to realize what is at play behind every situation and realize that this is just how we’re hardwired. It’s not fun, but we have to deal with it. We have to look beyond the surface and see what is really there.
Now men, I’m going to make it really easy for you. I’m going to tell you some things about women that you need to understand. Women have the need to feel secure. Having money is peace of mind. Now this does not mean that they need hundreds of thousands of dollars to feel secure. It does not mean that women only care about money. This means that we have this crazy gland in our bodies called a security gland, and when we see that there’s money in the bank to cover emergencies, that security gland begins to relax, to loosen up. When it begins to loosen up, we begin to loosen up.
That leads me to the second thing to remember. Having an emergency fund will create security for the woman, which will, in turn, benefit the entire household. Let’s be honest, when the woman isn’t happy, no one is happy. It’s like that in every house, and it’s just how it is. When that security gland is in overdrive because you don’t have money in the bank and there’s a money issue, then things can get ugly really fast. Ladies, do you ever lay awake at night thinking about money while your husband is on his side of the bed snoring his head off? Does it ever tick you off that you’re awake and fretting over this stuff and he’s off in la-la land dancing with gumdrops and candy canes? I know it does me. He can do that because he doesn’t have that security gland.
Men, if you want to do your wife a huge favor, and you want to show her how much you care, put together an emergency fund. The quality of your life will improve greatly, as will yours. If you put money in an emergency fund and leave it alone, and prove to her that you will leave it alone, then it will be the BEST investment you ever make.
That leads me to the second thing to remember. Having an emergency fund will create security for the woman, which will, in turn, benefit the entire household. Let’s be honest, when the woman isn’t happy, no one is happy. It’s like that in every house, and it’s just how it is. When that security gland is in overdrive because you don’t have money in the bank and there’s a money issue, then things can get ugly really fast. Ladies, do you ever lay awake at night thinking about money while your husband is on his side of the bed snoring his head off? Does it ever tick you off that you’re awake and fretting over this stuff and he’s off in la-la land dancing with gumdrops and candy canes? I know it does me. He can do that because he doesn’t have that security gland.
Men, if you want to do your wife a huge favor, and you want to show her how much you care, put together an emergency fund. The quality of your life will improve greatly, as will yours. If you put money in an emergency fund and leave it alone, and prove to her that you will leave it alone, then it will be the BEST investment you ever make.
Now ladies, let me tell you some things about your men. Men have the need to feel like they are contributing to the welfare of the family. We all have heard and know that men are to provide for the temporal welfare of the family. This is something that is hardwired into their brains. In order to feel productive, they need to be providers. It goes back to the earliest days – men left the cave, went out, killed something and drug it home. It’s what they do, and it’s what they still want to do.
Most men have difficulty leaving money in a savings account instead of investing it or finding a bigger, better deal. Not all men are horrible at saving money and leaving it alone. But a majority of men will be okay with saving money, until they find a BBD (Bigger Better Deal). It drove my husband nuts to leave money in our savings account before we found Dave. If we had money, he wanted to go invest it. He wanted to put it in a CD. He wanted to do this and that with it. Why? Because it was just sitting there and he thought he could find a bigger and better deal to make more money with it. With the man doing this kind of stuff, it negates the security that the wife feels. So you both have to work together and decide that there’s going to be an emergency fund that just sits there. It doesn’t do anything but sit there.
Another thing, and a very important thing to remember about men is that men often define themselves by what they do, not who they are. How many times have you ask a man to tell you about himself and the very first thing he says that he is, is his profession? Try it – ask some random guys to tell you about themselves and they will say, “Hi, I’m Joe, I’m a banker.” Or “Hi, I’m Bob and I’m an accountant. Too many times you ask a guy who he is and he says what he does. Men, you need to get out of that! You need to be someone separate and apart from what you do. You can say, “I am a father. I am a loving husband. I am a witness of Christ.” You are so much more than an occupation. That is why men have self-esteem issues when they are in the middle of a career crisis. They have lost their sense of self.
Most men have difficulty leaving money in a savings account instead of investing it or finding a bigger, better deal. Not all men are horrible at saving money and leaving it alone. But a majority of men will be okay with saving money, until they find a BBD (Bigger Better Deal). It drove my husband nuts to leave money in our savings account before we found Dave. If we had money, he wanted to go invest it. He wanted to put it in a CD. He wanted to do this and that with it. Why? Because it was just sitting there and he thought he could find a bigger and better deal to make more money with it. With the man doing this kind of stuff, it negates the security that the wife feels. So you both have to work together and decide that there’s going to be an emergency fund that just sits there. It doesn’t do anything but sit there.
Another thing, and a very important thing to remember about men is that men often define themselves by what they do, not who they are. How many times have you ask a man to tell you about himself and the very first thing he says that he is, is his profession? Try it – ask some random guys to tell you about themselves and they will say, “Hi, I’m Joe, I’m a banker.” Or “Hi, I’m Bob and I’m an accountant. Too many times you ask a guy who he is and he says what he does. Men, you need to get out of that! You need to be someone separate and apart from what you do. You can say, “I am a father. I am a loving husband. I am a witness of Christ.” You are so much more than an occupation. That is why men have self-esteem issues when they are in the middle of a career crisis. They have lost their sense of self.
Because men and women are so different, they process financial problems differently.
To men, money represents a scorecard. If they experience financial problems, they lose self esteem. I was just saying how a man going through a career crisis loses his sense of self if he defines himself by what he does. When you have financial problems, the man’s ego takes a direct hit. He is still Sir Galahad, he has the sword and the shield, but they are a bit rusty, and he’s unsure that he can go out and slay the dragon. He needs you to build his confidence in himself, and to help him pick up the shattered ego and put it back together so that he can go out and slay the dragon and save the fair princess.
Speaking of the fair princess…to women, financial problems cause fear. When facing financial problems, we women feel trapped – locked in the highest room of the tallest tower, guarded by that dragon. We need our knight to come rescue us by reassuring us that things are going to be okay – no matter what happens. Men, your wives do not need to hear you singing the blues about the finances. She needs you to reassure her that you’ll work together to make it through this.
To men, money represents a scorecard. If they experience financial problems, they lose self esteem. I was just saying how a man going through a career crisis loses his sense of self if he defines himself by what he does. When you have financial problems, the man’s ego takes a direct hit. He is still Sir Galahad, he has the sword and the shield, but they are a bit rusty, and he’s unsure that he can go out and slay the dragon. He needs you to build his confidence in himself, and to help him pick up the shattered ego and put it back together so that he can go out and slay the dragon and save the fair princess.
Speaking of the fair princess…to women, financial problems cause fear. When facing financial problems, we women feel trapped – locked in the highest room of the tallest tower, guarded by that dragon. We need our knight to come rescue us by reassuring us that things are going to be okay – no matter what happens. Men, your wives do not need to hear you singing the blues about the finances. She needs you to reassure her that you’ll work together to make it through this.
In the middle of a crisis, Sir Galahad already is unsure of himself and doesn’t know if he can slay the dragon. He has a bruised ego, the last thing he needs is for you to sound like a barking Chihuahua at his ankles when he's working through a career or money crisis. That doesn’t mean that you need to just let him do whatever he wants, you may need to push him in the right direction, but you need to do it with love and understanding. You need to realize that he just lost a sense of self, and while you want to give him a swift kick in the pants, he may need you to stroke his ego and nurture him for a while before he’s ready to go out there and slay the dragon.
Men, in the middle of a crisis, you need to tell your wife the truth. She is not an idiot, she does not need to be lied to and told that everything will be just fine. You need to tell her the truth. You need to reassure that you’ll work together. She needs someone to say “If it gets bad and they take some of our stuff, they can’t take us.” She needs that reassurance and 3-5 extra non-sexual hugs each and every day. It’s a very emotional thing for a woman to be going through this stuff, and she’s going to need you to help her feel like she’s not in it alone, just like she has to help you feel like you’re not in it alone.
Men, in the middle of a crisis, you need to tell your wife the truth. She is not an idiot, she does not need to be lied to and told that everything will be just fine. You need to tell her the truth. You need to reassure that you’ll work together. She needs someone to say “If it gets bad and they take some of our stuff, they can’t take us.” She needs that reassurance and 3-5 extra non-sexual hugs each and every day. It’s a very emotional thing for a woman to be going through this stuff, and she’s going to need you to help her feel like she’s not in it alone, just like she has to help you feel like you’re not in it alone.
If you don’t, this financial stuff will mess with your marriage. And if being different and processing financial issues differently wasn’t bad enough...
Oppostites attract. You know how it is, one of you is hot, the other is cold. One of you is on time for everything, the other will be late to their own funeral. I think the Lord has a sense of humor because we’re made this way – to be opposites. Larry Burkett said "If two people just alike get married, then one of you is unnecessary."
There is another opposite in every relationship, especially when talking about money. Each relationship has a nerd and a free spirit. The Nerd is the one who likes doing the budget, likes spreadsheets, graphs, flow charts, and who is organized. The free spirit isn’t the bad person in the relationship – the free spirit just doesn’t give a flip about flow charts and spreadsheets. The nerd needs the free spirit, and the free spirit needs the nerd. I am the nerd in my marriage, and my husband is the free spirit. I get a kick out of budgeting, finances, spreadsheets - him….not so much. But that’s okay. If it wasn’t for him, I’d live in a cave, collect lint and only come out on double coupon Thursdays. Without me, he’d be oblivious to his financial situation. We balance each other out. I’m a saver, he’s a spender. Again, there’s this balance.
There is another opposite in every relationship, especially when talking about money. Each relationship has a nerd and a free spirit. The Nerd is the one who likes doing the budget, likes spreadsheets, graphs, flow charts, and who is organized. The free spirit isn’t the bad person in the relationship – the free spirit just doesn’t give a flip about flow charts and spreadsheets. The nerd needs the free spirit, and the free spirit needs the nerd. I am the nerd in my marriage, and my husband is the free spirit. I get a kick out of budgeting, finances, spreadsheets - him….not so much. But that’s okay. If it wasn’t for him, I’d live in a cave, collect lint and only come out on double coupon Thursdays. Without me, he’d be oblivious to his financial situation. We balance each other out. I’m a saver, he’s a spender. Again, there’s this balance.
When both work together, they find a unity that cannot be found any other way. One thing that both the free spirit and the nerd need to understand is maturity.
Children do what feels good. Children act on their impulses. It is their very nature to do so, because they have yet to learn self restraint or control.
Adults delay pleasure, devise a plan, and execute that plan. That is called living within our means and creating a budget.
"I deserve it" is childish behavior, and has NO place in a marriage. This is the one thing that really gets my goat when working with people. “I deserve it” You don’t deserve squat. Just because you’re breathing doesn’t mean that you’re entitled to something you can’t afford! It drives me nuts when I hear women say “He works hard, he deserves to spend his money on whatever he wants.” NO, he doesn’t! If he can’t afford it without it having an impact on the family, then he doesn’t deserve it. We need to kick this sense of entitlement crap right out the window. If you’re in debt up to your eyeballs, you do not deserve a new pair of shoes because they’re cute. If you don’t have a dime in savings, you do not deserve a fancy dinner out. If you can barely make your bills and you haven’t had a manicure in a long time, and you say forget the bills – I deserve it – no you don’t.
Mature adults delay pleasure.
Adults delay pleasure, devise a plan, and execute that plan. That is called living within our means and creating a budget.
"I deserve it" is childish behavior, and has NO place in a marriage. This is the one thing that really gets my goat when working with people. “I deserve it” You don’t deserve squat. Just because you’re breathing doesn’t mean that you’re entitled to something you can’t afford! It drives me nuts when I hear women say “He works hard, he deserves to spend his money on whatever he wants.” NO, he doesn’t! If he can’t afford it without it having an impact on the family, then he doesn’t deserve it. We need to kick this sense of entitlement crap right out the window. If you’re in debt up to your eyeballs, you do not deserve a new pair of shoes because they’re cute. If you don’t have a dime in savings, you do not deserve a fancy dinner out. If you can barely make your bills and you haven’t had a manicure in a long time, and you say forget the bills – I deserve it – no you don’t.
Mature adults delay pleasure.
In, One for the Money - a Guide to Family Finances, Elder Marvin J. Ashton says, "Married couples show genuine maturity when they think of their partner's and their family's needs ahead of their own spending impulses. Money management skills should be learned together in a spirit of cooperation and love on a continuous basis."
That is maturity. When you think of someone else’s needs above your own. When you put the family’s needs ahead of your own desires, that is maturity. My husband, bless his heart, learned a long time ago that the paycheck he gets is not HIS money, it is our money. It is the money for our family to function on.
Does that mean that he can’t ever get anything, or that I can’t ever get anything? No. When we need something or have a reasonable want, we go and accommodate that need or want. Do we not pay the bills because we feel like we deserve something? No, feeling like we deserve things we can’t afford is what got us into debt in the first place.
Does that mean that he can’t ever get anything, or that I can’t ever get anything? No. When we need something or have a reasonable want, we go and accommodate that need or want. Do we not pay the bills because we feel like we deserve something? No, feeling like we deserve things we can’t afford is what got us into debt in the first place.
It is important to put the needs of the family (or of your spouse) above your own desires. Remember what we talked about earlier. For women, the greatest thing you can do for them financially is to get an emergency fund together. It gives them peace of mind.
Why is this stuff so important? Because bankruptcy and divorce go hand-in-hand. Financial hardships cause problems in your marriage. The #1 cause of divorce is money fights and money problems. That is why this stuff is so important. It is important to understand your spouse and how he or she relates with money. You don't want Sir Galahad to take his sword and leave you in the tower. Likewise, Sir Galahad doesn't want to slay the dragon, climb to the tallest tower and find that the princess skipped town. You both have to do your part in this, and when you do that, you will eliminate those issues. If you take the major cause of marital problems out of the equation, then you will be setting yourself up for success.
Dave Ramsey said, "When you come into agreement on purchases and on a budget, you can agree on your value system. As you agree on your value system, you'll see a change in your relationship." As husband and wife work together and get on the same page, financially, they will grow as a couple. They will be able to work through more thanings than just money stuff. If they work through these issues, they will be changing their family trees. The first step to changing their family trees is to put some money in savings.
